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Team Edward: Bella Swan’s Eternal Ice Ice Baby
“Anatomy of a Murder? Oh no. Anatomy of the Case for (un)Dead Sexy Edward Cullen…”
By The RobNipulations Blog Staff Writers
—Edward is a vampire, thus, cooler—literally and figuratively. Seriously, he’s like a walking cooler at picnics. That macaroni salad’s never going bad.
—Edward doesn’t need to eat. Bella can pig out whenever there’s a carton of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer. Hell, she can even use his palm as a bowl if she doesn’t feel like doing dishes.
—Edward’s vampirey-ness means his hair never grows, making haircuts unnecessary. Perpetually perfect sex hair? Yes, please (and thank you).
—Edward doesn’t need to sleep. No loud snoring to keep Bella awake. Instead, he just gently hums at her and watches her sleep. Once you get over how creepy that is, you have to admit, it is rather precious and adorable.
—Edward is 109 years old. Two words: AARP discounts!
—Edward can read minds. That salesperson at the car dealership won’t ever be able to rip them off on a new car purchase, which means no money down and zero percent interest.
—As a vampire, Edward is on the exclusive list for every blood-sucking celebrity hang-out: yacht soirees thrown by Count Chocula, summers at Count Von Count’s Transylvanian villa, annual Halloween party hosted by Grandpa Munster.
—Edward sparkles in the sunlight. What girl can resist all that sparkle and dazzle? Jacob, on the other hand, just sheds and pants a lot when the sun’s out.
—Edward is gentlemanly and resists Bella’s advances for the sake of her virtue and propriety. While this is a little stuffy and boring…it is preferable to getting your leg humped constantly by a dog (i.e. Jacob).
—Edward has years of experience and a vampire’s speed and agility to boot. (If you know what I mean and I think you do.)
—Unlike every other woman in America, during moments of intimacy with Edward, there’s no need for Bella to fantasize about Robert Pattinson.