Did you know we wrote a Letter to Rob?
This picture of you at a pool party surfaced on the interwebs last month. While others drooled at the mere thought of you wet and glistening pool-side and wild speculation swirled, we peered intently at the photo, playing our own private game of “Where’s Waldo”…
It was a fruitless search. How does one even claim to actually see you, much less Waldo, in this picture? I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the person who labeled the pics, but really?! Is that you? Is that your sculpted (we hope) ass? Your chiseled jaw? Did you have your legs amputated recently? Because after your shorts, the legs pretty much disappear. Is that Tom on the other side of that random chick? Why isn’t he labeled? That’s going to hurt his feelings and, frankly, it’s pretty blatant discrimination. Brit Pack is Brit Pack, right? And I’m fairly sure that you and Tom are holding hands there. That’s the obvious conclusion when you can’t actually see something. It does kinda look like the person labeled “Sam” could be Sam, because he has some crazy ass hair, and because those trunks are pretty frickin’ blinding, but, meh. Dunno.
SEE MORE AFTER THE SPLISH SPLASH
Anyway, we must say, if that was you, we were, frankly, surprised. That party looks far too tame for you and your boys to be present. A party with you as a guest ought to involve all sorts of decadence and debauchery. Go Go dancers in cages. Being fed peeled grapes. Nudity, at the very least. And of course, someone would whip out a guitar for an impromptu performance. Kinda like Matthew McConaughey with his bongos, right? No hands! We’re envisioning it now.
However, lucky us, we’ve managed to unearth a picture of you and your boys at a ‘private party’ that shows us how you guys really like to hang…
Now we know why Dean has been MIA! Forcing him to babysit Tom while you were finishing up filming was just not cool. That’s a 24/7 job! Way to suck out his life force… I mean, Dean looks like he’s considering ending it all. Dean, baby! You have so much to live for! We can work through this!
At least you have the decency to look chagrined. But we’re thinking you’re just pissed off because Tom is spilling the beer everywhere. Haven’t you taught him better than that? Sweet nectar of the gods, man! Beer is sacred! There are rules about these things in civilized society!
You guys do look rather cozy in that pool, though. I’m guessing that Bobby is playing a little footsie with Dean… and Dean is trying to figure out how he feels about that. Bobby looks a little guilty; he’s definitely up to something. And while we’re on that… your and Bobby’s hands seem to be underwater. Are you guys playing a little grabass?! Are you even wearing trunks? Can’t see them. Therefore, they don’t exist. Awesome! This party just stepped up a notch.
It was brilliant of you pasty English lads to keep your shirts on, to avoid becoming fried white tomatoes. At least Dean-O works on his tan. Keep in mind for the next party, though, that we’d be more than happy to help slather on the sunscreen, you know, anywhere. Really. That’s just out of the kindness of our little hearts. Besides, we wouldn’t want those sweet, white buns ending up as red as a baboons.
And, you know, you’re a millionaire. You could probably upgrade to one of those 3 foot deep blow up pools now. Just saying. But we’re guessing that you like being extra close to Tom and Bobby… Who wouldn’t wanna be?
Anyhow, we are really glad that we found this picture, because the first one was just pathetic and disappointing. We were so bored, just like that random chick who apparently had to resort to texting while sitting between you and Tom (Clearly, someone wasn’t getting any action. It’s rough basking in the love glow of RobStu). But now we know how you guys really party, and we’re hoping we get an invite to the next one. We’ll leave our cameras at home, swear. Bikinis are optional, right?
Call us! We give special hugs. No really, they’re incredibly SPECIAL.
Your pool party h00rs,
The RobNips ladies, aka
P.S. Please to be investing in a bikini top for the Big D. Those moobs are, what? 44BB? Dood needs support.
CHECK OUT THE ORIGINAL POST AT Letters To Rob – HERE