Robnipulate (verb): to touch and/or retouch "Robert Pattinson" with skillful hands, by the use of mechanical means.

Team Edward vs. Team Jacob: The Funny and The Fruitless

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Team Edward: Bella Swan’s Eternal Ice Ice Baby

“Anatomy of a Murder? Oh no. Anatomy of the Case for (un)Dead Sexy Edward Cullen…”

By The RobNipulations Blog Staff Writers

—Edward is a vampire, thus, cooler—literally and figuratively. Seriously, he’s like a walking cooler at picnics. That macaroni salad’s never going bad.

—Edward doesn’t need to eat. Bella can pig out whenever there’s a carton of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer. Hell, she can even use his palm as a bowl if she doesn’t feel like doing dishes.

—Edward’s vampirey-ness means his hair never grows, making haircuts unnecessary. Perpetually perfect sex hair? Yes, please (and thank you).

—Edward doesn’t need to sleep. No loud snoring to keep Bella awake. Instead, he just gently hums at her and watches her sleep. Once you get over how creepy that is, you have to admit, it is rather precious and adorable.

—Edward is 109 years old. Two words: AARP discounts!

—Edward can read minds. That salesperson at the car dealership won’t ever be able to rip them off on a new car purchase, which means no money down and zero percent interest.

—As a vampire, Edward is on the exclusive list for every blood-sucking celebrity hang-out: yacht soirees thrown by Count Chocula, summers at Count Von Count’s Transylvanian villa, annual Halloween party hosted by Grandpa Munster.

—Edward sparkles in the sunlight. What girl can resist all that sparkle and dazzle? Jacob, on the other hand, just sheds and pants a lot when the sun’s out.

—Edward is gentlemanly and resists Bella’s advances for the sake of her virtue and propriety. While this is a little stuffy and boring…it is preferable to getting your leg humped constantly by a dog (i.e. Jacob).

—Edward has years of experience and a vampire’s speed and agility to boot. (If you know what I mean and I think you do.)

—Unlike every other woman in America, during moments of intimacy with Edward, there’s no need for Bella to fantasize about Robert Pattinson.

—Jacob is a furnace on legs. The year-round central AC bills are astronomical, not to mention the impact on the environment. He leaves a giant carbon paw-print on the planet.

—Jacob eats non-stop. And he’s lacking in table manners, to say the least. No amount of OxyClean is going to get those moose carcass stains out of a carpet.

—Have you ever smelled dog breath? ‘Nuff said.

—Unlike Edward’s perma-sexy hair, Jacob needs brush-outs in the summer and weekly claw-trimming.

—Jacob destroys his clothes every time he shape-shifts into a werewolf. There are some cost considerations here. Bella isn’t made out of money. We’re in a recession. Her paycheck isn’t nearly going to cover replacing hundreds of pairs of perfectly molded, low-slung, faded-wash bootleg jeans from Abercrombie & Fitch (because all werewolves are very style-conscious when it comes to denim).

—Bella has repeatedly informed Jacob of her allergy to pet dander. Every time she mentions it, he comes after her with a bottle of Zyrtec like some kind of crazed pharmacy tech, determined to medicate her.

—When Jacob kissed her, Bella reacted like Lucy from Peanuts whenever Snoopy kissed her: “Ew, I’ve been kissed by a dog! Dog germs! Yuck!” So it’s readily apparent that the feeling is not mutual.

—If Bella marries Jacob, sooner or later she is bound to get sick of fielding calls from the Humane Society about her “stray husband” digging up the neighbor’s rose bushes and chasing cars down the street.

—As a werewolf, Jacob’s mate is predestined by imprinting. And he does imprint. On a six-month-old baby. He’s just wooing Bella to get out of babysitting and changing diapers, obviously.

—Speaking of which, Jacob has a six-month-old fiancée. He doesn’t need Bella, he needs a knock on his door from Chris Hansen.

To see the other side (fruitless as it may be) click HERE.

Source: The Daily Beast

4 responses

  1. I fucking love you crazy bitches!!!!!! I’ll take EDWARD and HIS ‘speed and agility’, and we musn’t forget HIS VAMPIRE STAMINA. COLD and HARD FOR ETERNITY!

    June 26, 2010 at 9:10 am

  2. Loved it. A unanimous verdict predicted for the Vampire being victorious.
    And let us not forget the manipulations of that sneaky little dog, his sneering out of Bella’s sight and his constant, increasingly infuriating need to take of his shirt at the drop of the hat. There’s a time and a place for everything, you mutt! Edward forever — for his coolness under pressure and the magnificent ability to deliver the obnoxious pooch the coup de grace at just the right moment.

    June 26, 2010 at 9:38 am

  3. LittleMo

    Most deffanetly *Team Edward* …… by a long shot 😀 You ladies are F*** AWESOME

    June 28, 2010 at 1:56 pm

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