Robnipulate (verb): to touch and/or retouch "Robert Pattinson" with skillful hands, by the use of mechanical means.

Author Archive

RobNip™ 48.5 – Plastic Surgeon Rob

Oooh, it’s plastic surgeon Rob. We know a few spots he can nip/tuck. And look at him checking out that woman’s rack. Not like she’s being shy about. But then again, who would be? Can we get a breast exam, too? Like, a really long, really thorough one? You can never be too careful about your breast health, after all. And we think Dr. Rob would support that sentiment very strongly.

RobNip™ 48.1 – Pediatrician Rob

There is nothing better than Dr. Rob. Wait, I lied. Pediatrician Rob!

Pediatrician Rob is still the hawt Dr. Rob you’re always dreaming of, but with an extra hot factor: he loves kids! What’s not to adore?!

Mothers will be lining up to get their little ones evaluated by this hot piece of medical professional.  And it has nothing to do with Mommy wanting to play doctor with him after their kids’ checkup. Nothing at all.

A ‘Water for Elephants’ Behind the Scenes Picture of Rob

RobNips Exclusive! Leaked pic from the set of Water for Elephants! Our source, Deep Throat, has once again pulled through for us. This is what she had to say…

I was able to snap this candid very stealthily using a mini-camera sewn into the cleavage of my WonderBra. With a gentle squeeze of my arms on either side of my bazooms, a quick ‘click’ sound is the only thing that gave me away. I quickly explained that it’s my jaw from years of TMJ, because, well, I didn’t earn the name ‘Deep Throat’ from opera singing.

Anyhoo, Rob is the consummate thespian. I considered becoming a thespian once, but my boyfriend at the time talked me out of it. In any event, our boy really does take his craft seriously, and being such a professional demands absolute concentration, extremely precise focus, and rather peculiar novelty underwear, obviously. He demanded complete silence between takes, insisting that he was “trying to get into [his] zone”, and that the cast and crew around him were obligated to “respect [his] process”, despite the very plain fact that his giblet-y bits were stuffed into a plush elephant’s trunk. He’d stand there, almost trance-like, as he nonchalantly twirled the man-fur of his treasure trail while mumbling “my name is Jacob, of all things, but I’m still the world’s oldest virgin…how ironic. How would Marlon Brando play this? James Dean? Snuffleupagus?” From there, he’d need some convincing to change into his actual set wardrobe. It would usually come down to his agent threatening to have his peanuts honey-roasted if he didn’t.

So there you have it, RobNips readers. Rob Pattinson: gentleman actor, lover of furry underpants.

RobNip™ 47.5 – Who Wants to Be A Millionaire Rob

“Wait…I know this one! Is that the film with Courtney Cox and the guy with the funny mask?” Oh, Rob, you silly sausage. Although, most 24 year old guys would only look agonized while their hands were holding some other, more precious part of their anatomy. Rob probably does value his face a lot, however. If given the option between getting injured in the mug or in the junk, he might just flip a coin. Or maybe just offer his wonky left foot as a third option.

RobNip™ 47.1 – Springer Rob

It’s Daytime TV Week at RobNips! What better time to take advantage of the mental stimulation and cultural exposure that morning and afternoon television has to offer than the week or two before school starts? Send your kids off to return to their ABC’s and 123’s on a healthy, heaping portion of the idiot box, RobNips-style!

It’s always a brawl on Springer! Always! It doesn’t matter that looks like it’s a hundred kinds of staged. It’s not, okay? And yeah, just because the other guy is Richard Branson, English billionaire, doesn’t mean he didn’t say something to warrant a beatdown from Rob. He probably said some fool thing about his mama. Rob is like Spock from the new Star Trek movie. You do not talk about his mama or he will start throwing punches first and asking questions later.

RobNip™ 46.1 – Pirates of the Caribbean Rob

This week at RobNips, we’re featuring Rob in some of Johnny Depp’s most memorable film roles. So, without further ado, we present JohnnyDeppbert.

Mmmm, Pirate Rob. He shivers me timbers, no lie. Dude looks hot with pirate guyliner and long hair. Wouldn’t mind showing him where X marks the spot so he can bury his treasure, savvy?

RobNip™ 45.5 – Graduate Rob

Back to School Rob comes to an end today, and you know what that means. Graduation.

Moving forward to bigger and better things–namely, more beer and parties. The ‘more beer’ part is especially important, of course. Can you blame a guy for wanting to celebrate? We can’t. I mean, he probably had to work really hard on his studies…classes like Smart Chicks Who Use Big Words, Embracing Your Inner Emo Vampire, and How to Lose and Unlose Your British Accent sound very challenging. Never mind that every class was taught and attended females exclusively. Pure coincidence.

RobNip™ 45.1 – Gym Teacher Rob

It’s Back to School Week at RobNips and who better to school us than Rob himself?

My, my, coach Rob, what big balls you have! And let us say right now that you’d need big balls to put the RobNips ladies through their paces. We don’t tire that easily. We’d love to help you shoot and score, just don’t dribble.

RobNip™ 44.5 – Fashion Fail Rob – Day 5

What a way to end Rob Fashion (FAIL) Week than with our boy dressed as…

What the hell is that, now that we mention it? Is there even a single word to describe an outfit that’s some kind of demented unicorn with dubious sexual orientation? Actually, yes, there is. It’s called freaky-deaky. When we think of Rob and unicorns, this is the last thing we’d dream up…or even have nightmares about. Whether it’s the assless latex or the rainbow pastel mohawk, there’s just too much wrong for us to even speak of this again. Thank God Rob left the world of modeling in lieu of acting. Girl parts the world over heave a collective sigh of sheer relief.

RobNip™ 44.1 – Fashion Fail Rob – Day 1

It’s Fashion (FAIL) Week at RobNips! Weeee!

Hey, we get that Rob used to be a model and that maybe he’s a little more willing to take some fashion risks. But this here is taking the word “risk” to “Nigerian investment email” proportions. What the French fry is he wearing?!? He looks like the demented offspring of Weird Al Yankovic and one of TomStu’s grandma sweaters.

And don’t get us started on the deck shoes with the red curly-cue bows. We. Have. No. Words.

RobNip™ 43.2 – Football (aka Soccer) Rob

You know what the best things about soccer/football are?

Balls are always checked for firmness. Mhmmm.

Parents always cheer when you score… ahem. Weird.

You can score using your head or your feet. Which really brings to mind some very kinky shit.

You can juggle balls in front of your mother… Also kinky shit. We’re on a roll today, heyoooo!

Ah well, why don’t you kick that ball this way, Rob. There might be a ‘no hands touching’ rule in soccer, but we don’t have any rules. RAWR. Score!

RobNip™ 42.4 – The Notebook Rob

We don’t think we’ve ever been jealous of a head of hair before. Even for us, that’s a new one. Notebook Rob, with that caveman beard and intense sex stare, is what pure fantasy of made of. Not to mention, the Notebook is about destiny and finding your own true soulmate, whatever the cost. How flipping romantic is that? In a word: RAWR.

RobNip™ 42.2 – Gone With the Wind Rob

A dashing Civil War era Rob with no undershirt? Yes, please. And thank you. We’d make my own dress if meant him admiring our…curtains. Scarlett O’Hara went to a heck of a lot of trouble to try and forget Rhett Butler, she even went as far as marrying another man. But of course it didn’t work. They were simply meant for each other, good or bad. Rhettbert, you can fight destiny, but in the end, tomorrow is another day.

RobNip™ 41.5 – Shrek Rob

It’s Shrekbert and Princess TomStu. How adorable are they? Okay, so the giant green ogre look isn’t the sexiest thing you’d see, but Rob can still pull off looking like Prince Charming, even if he is green. Really? Really, really.

RobNip™ 41.2 – Austin Powers Rob

Yeah, baybee, yeah! Do I make you horny? Do I? Of course you do, Rob. You’re so quintessentially British, just like Austin Powers…well, except for the bad teeth and entirely excessive body hair. But you definitely have that certain mojo that makes all the birds crazy.

RobNip™ 40.4 – Viagra Rob

Oh, God, no! Rob, put down the Viagra! Does he have any idea what would happen if Mr. Happy got…extremely, um, ecstatic? For one thing, the entire female population would simultaneously explode from sudden, overwhelming, hyper-charged arousal. Then, the resulting fiery embers and soot would cover the entire planet, causing a catastrophic environmental conflagration. In other words, Rob, there’d be no more chicks or weed. Think about it. Just. Say. No.

RobNip™ 40.3 – Axe Shower Gel Rob

Aw, poor Rob looks like he’s holding on to that bathmat like it’s the only thing in the world that would cuddle with him. No worries, sweet cheeks. Just give us a clothes pin to put over my noses, a few sexy nurse’s uniforms, and we’d gladly give you a nice, long sponge bath–complete with a happy ending. Just remember, though: nothing washes off shame and loss of dignity. But who cares?

RobNip™ 39.4 – Ventriloquist Rob

Who knew Rob could throw that sexy voice? I bet he can make me do all kinds of things using just his hands and never moving his lips. Ventriloquist with nimble fingers and a magical tongue? Dude was made for this gig. To quote the famous Señor Wences and his hand puppet Johnny: “s’alright?” Yes, baby, it’s more than “s’alright”!

RobNip™ 39.2 – Country Singer Rob

Oh my darlin, oh my darlin, oh my darrrrlin Pattintine…yer lookin mighty…constipated?

Not sure if country-western crooning suits Rob all that well. It’s still up for debate whether he’s pining over his lost love and warbling a sad melody about his broken heart, or if he’s just trying to remember if he buttoned his shirt right before getting on stage. He does look rather intensely introspective. Yeah, he’s definitely trying to remember if he buttoned his shirt right.

RobNip™ 38.1 – Hiphop Rob

You know what to do, G…bust a move! It’s Rob “Pop N Lock” Pattinson showin off hiz mad skillz as a b-boy. Look at him, all crazy legs. We’re just glad this is a manip. He’d break his neck trying this in real life, or at least would sprain an ass muscle or something.

RobNip™ 37.3 – Three Amigos Rob

Rob, TomStu, and Bobby do not die like dogs! They fight like lions! Because they are…The Three Amigos! Loud cough. We think Rob is slightly perfect for playing a character called Dusty Bottoms. He does, after all, own one pair of jeans. Those bottoms are probably more than just dusty. Anyhoo, we can imagine a remake of this comedy gem so clearly…

Wherever there is cheap beer and Hot Pockets, you will find us. Wherever there is loose women and thrift store clothing, we’ll be there. Wherever pub crawling is threatened, you will find…The Three Amigos!

RobNip™ 37.1 – Romeo Rob

We’re not sure who would be more turned on by Romeo Rob–those hopeless romantics out there or the geek gurls who love a pretty boy in chain mail. Eh, it’s probably both. Gotta say, the expression on his face is kinda priceless. I’m not sure if he’s looking at her with a lustful gleam in his eye or if it’s the sight of tropical fish that makes him all giddy. Look! Sparkly! Can fish be undead? I think I’ll name that blue one ‘Bella’. No, wait. ‘Thomas’. I’ll name her ‘Thomas’.

RobNip™ 36.4 – Crocodile Hunter Rob

You know, I think all this thrill-seeking stuff is starting to affect the boy’s better sense of judgment, and maybe even his decorum. He looks entirely too happy about grabbing that crocodile by her nether regions. Huh. He must have a soft spot for cuddling up with girls who are cold-blooded, sharp-fanged, and with a less than agreeable disposition.

RobNip™ 36.2 – Rock Climbing Rob

It’s Adventure Rob week at RobNips™ and this pic starts it all off just right.

Look at him all rugged and sweaty and… hard. If that’s not enough to have you wanting some friction against his slab, just look at the expression on his face. He’s all smirky-like and smug, which just adds to the sexy. He does seem to have a difficult time running in a straight line, so we can understand why he looks so pleased with himself that he was able to get up that rock.

Fuckhawt take us up against the rock wall fanfic:

Team Building by EJ Santry


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